I SAY, I SAY, I SAY
A simplified urine test that may be relevant!
Go outside and pee in the garden...
If ants gather, you have diabetes.
If you pee on your feet, you have prostate problems.
If the pee smells like a barbecue, you got cholesterol issues.
If when you shake it, your wrist hurts, you have osteoarthritis.
And if you return to your room with your penis out your pants, Alzheimer's got you.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole...
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new bloody boat" I thought to myself.
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed he baby in a bus. The baby refuses to suck and the mother warns, "If you don't suck, I will give it to man next to me." The baby still refuses and after a while, the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says: Look here woman, you better make up your mind, I was supposed to get off six bus stops ago!"
My dick may not be 12 inches, but it sure smells like a foot.
There once was a lady name Jill.
Who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
An Irish man was given the job of painting white lines down the middle of a road.
On his first day he painted eight miles, on his second day he painted 3 miles, and on his third day he painted just one mile. The boss wasn't pleased. He asked "Why is it you are painting less each day?" "Because each day I get further away from the can of paint."
The secret to a long and happy marriage is that we take time to go to a restaurant two time a week. A light candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes on Tuesdays and I go on Fridays.
A man goes to hell. The devil greets him and says. "You have to pick your torture wisely because this will be your torture for eternity." The man goes through hundreds of rooms but can't decide until he sees a room where a man is sitting on a couch, watching football on TV and getting a blow job from a cheerleader. he man says "This is what I want to do for eternity!" The devil says "Are you sure?" The man screams "Hell Yes!" The devil goes up to the cheerleader and says "You can stop now, I found you a replacement."
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup. He's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in. Sean took a Look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy. The mortician asked "How can you tell?" Sean said, "We'll, Paddy had two arseholes." "What.. he had two arseholes?" Asked the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would always say. "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes."
Paddy and Mary decide to a 69. Paddy's never done one before so Mary says she'll show him. She tells him to lie on the floor and squats over him. As she lowers herself she farts. Apologising she tries again but farts again. Paddy jumps up and storms out yelling. I'll be fecked if I'm hanging around for 67 more of them."
The Labor Party is proud to announce their new party symbol is condoms because they more accurately reflect the party stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives you a sense of security while you're being screwed.
My wife and I have been married for over 30 years and I can still make her scream my name in bed. I just fart and pull the covers up over her head.
Jim went to the tattooist and had the words "I LOVE YOU" tattooed on his penis. When he got home he showed his wife. "There you go again," she screamed, "Trying to put words in my mouth."
My nookie days are over.
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when on its own,
from my trousers it would spring.
But now its just full time job,
to find the fucking thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
the way it would behave.
For every single morning,
it stand up and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
it sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang it's little head,
& watch me tie my shoes.
"Mum, I'm going out!"
"You're mot leaving this house until you change that miniskirt!"
"Why?"
"Because I can see your balls, Richard."
WHO IS JACK SHIT?
For some time many of us have wondered who is Jack shit? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says. "You don't know jack shit." Well thanks to my efforts you can't respond in an intellectual way. Jack shit is the son of Awe shit who married O shit, the owners of Knee Deep in shit Inc. In turn Jack shit married No shit. The couple had 6 children: Holy shit, Giva shit, Fulla shit, Bull shit & the twins Deep shit & DIp shit. Deep shit married Dumb shit, a school dropout. After 15 years, Jack & No shit got divorced & she married Ted Sherlock & became No shit Sherlock. Meanwhile Dip shit married shit Happens. Bull shit travelled the world & returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa shit. So tell me now you don't know Jack shit.
Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.
Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String and bonks her senseless.
He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn."
Elton bursts into tears.
"What's up?" Ask Robbie
Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings."
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate," not fascinating.
Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well that was good Sally but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way be could damage the word so she called on him.
Johnny said."My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
The police came to my home last night showing a picture. "Is this your wife sir?" "Yes I said." "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." "I know but she's good with the kids."
My three year old asked me, "where does Poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?" "Yes." She replied. "Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo. She looked a little perplexed and stared at me in stunning silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer said, "What's your name son?" He replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." The Officer looked at him suspiciously and said, "Oh, do you have a stutter?" The guy replied, "No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole."
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock, cause Jills real name was Randy.
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise I'd a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr, Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The did as she was told. "Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to udder side of room please." Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "Now craw reery, reery fas back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy, vewy bad. You have Edzachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not half sex or date.
Worried the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my god, what is Edzachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Edzachary Disease is when your face rook Edzachary the same rike your ass."
A husband buys his son an iPad, daughter and iPod, himself an iPhone and his wife an iRON. She wasn't impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK, and iCLEAN network. This triggered the iNAG service which totally wiped out the iSHAG function.
Lady: do you drink beer?
Man: yes
Lady: how many per day?
Man: 3
Lady: how much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5 each including tip.
Lady: how long have you been drinking?
Man: about 20 years
Lady: 3 beers a day equates to $450 per month or $5,499 per year. In 20 years that's $108,000
Man: sounds correct
Lady: did you know that if you put that money in a saving account, that after interest you would have had enough money to buy a plane.
Man: do you drink?
Lady: no
Man: so where's your fucking plane?
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
A woman slips naked in her bathroom, does the splits & ends up suctioned to the floor.
Her husband tries but can't budge her so he calls his mate who says, "I'll go get a hammer and we can break the tiles & lift her."
The husband says, "OK, I'll lick her ear & play with her tits while your gone."
"Why?" Asks his mate.
The husband replies, "If I can get her wet, maybe we can slide her to the kitchen where the tiles are fucking cheaper."
Skinny little man goes into an elevator, looks up and sees tis huge guy next to him. The big guy sees little man staring, he looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner brown." The little man faints falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings the Irish man to. In a weak voice the little guy says, "What exactly did you say to me.? The big guy says,"I saw your curious look and figured I'd give you the answer everyone always asks me...I"m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown." The little Irish man says, Turner Brown... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn Around!!"
BEFORE SEX...
You help each other get naked.
After sex you only dress yourself.
Moral of the story:
In life no one helps you once you're fucked!
AN IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago near Kells, County Meath, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale... it's true.
John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
Look frank... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!
PEEING ON MY FLOWERS
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language please! This is God's house" replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called" says the priest. "Oh" says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker" says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says "You know what? You cunts are alright"
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?"
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and shit on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
The moral of this story is if you're up to your neck in shit....
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!