I SAY, I SAY, I SAY!
Confucius say... Naked man who walks through door sideways is going to Bangkok
A blonde & a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunettes boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "My boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde asks, "Don't you have a vase?"
A man asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lotto?"
She replied, "I'd take half and leave you."
"Great," he said, "I won $12, here's $6 stay in touch."
A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane. He turned to the kid and said, "Let's talk."
The kid said, "OK, what do we talk about?
The man making fun of the kid said, "How about nuclear power. But let me ask you a question... horse, cow & deer all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat patty and horse clumps. Why?"
At which the kid replies,"Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues when you don't know shit?"
Guy: "Can I buy you a drink?"
Girl: "Sorry but alcohol is bad for my legs."
Guy: "Do they swell?"
Girl: "No they spread."
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Perly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'll granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophie Loren." And poof she's gone.
The second nun says, "I want-a to be Madonna." And poof she's gone.
The third nun says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" He says.
"Sara Pipalini." Replied the nun.
St.Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, this says... Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days."
A man and his wife went to the zoo and noticed the gorilla had a hard on as he looked at the wife. The man says,""Lift up your knickers and tease him." The ape goes mental! "Now get your tits out." The ape goes berserk! The man then opens the cage and pushes his wife inside. "Now try telling him that you've got a fucking headache!"
Paddy stood at the bar getting pissed trying to work out why his sister has four brothers and he only has three.
The old lady says to her hubby, "My nipples are as hot today as they were 50 years ago."
The hubby replies, "Ortta be.. one's in your coffee and the other's in your porridge."
Two women on their way home from a night out stop in a graveyard for a pee. One wipes herself with her knickers and the other uses a wreath of flowers. Their two husbands were in the pub the next day. One says. "I'd better watch my wife because she came home last night with no knickers."
The other husband says, "That's nothing, mine had a card wedged in her arse saying... we'll never forget you. From all the boys at the fire station."
An Englishman stops Paddy for directions...
"Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"
"Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
The Englishman says, "In the car."
Paddy replies, "That's the quickest!"
A brunette goes to a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor, "Show me." She takes her finger and presses her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, and so it goes on... everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says, "Your finger is broken."
Due to a power outage, the house was dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped to deliver the baby... little Connor was born. The The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom at which Connor began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide eyed Kathleen what she thought about what she witnessed. She quickly responded, He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!"
A man and his wife went to the zoo and noticed the gorilla had a hard on as he looked at the wife. The man says,""Lift up your knickers and tease him." The ape goes mental! "Now get your tits out." The ape goes berserk! The man then opens the cage and pushes his wife inside. "Now try telling him that you've got a fucking headache!"
A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression... It's called TRYCOXAGAIN.
Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench feeding the birds when a man comes by and flashes them. The first two old ladies both have a stroke, but the third couldn't quite reach.
A blonde takes her car to a mechanic. He says, "Nothing to worry about, just shit in the air filter." She relies, "Brilliant, so how many times a day do I do that?"
I was standing in line behind a very fat woman with a huge arse, when her phone started beeping. A bloke behind me shouted, "Fuck me, she's reversing!"
I am a man from Mauritius.
The last fuck I had was delicious.
But the next time I come, it'll be up your bum.
Cos that scab on your cunt looks suspicious.
A teacher asks the class to name things ending in 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another it word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything." "Well my sister has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow."
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room!
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone. "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" Ask the Doctor.
"No," shouts Paddy, "This is her husband!"
This is a story about four people named: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure the Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
Roses are red, nuts are brown.
Skirts go up, pants go down.
Body to body, skin to skin.
When it's stiff, stick it in.
It goes in dry and comes out wet.
And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets.
It comes out dripping and it starts to sag.
It's not what you think, it's a LIPTON TEA BAG.
The angry wife says, "I should have married the devil, he would have made a better husband than you."
In which the husband replies, "They would have arrested you! Marriage between relations is illegal in this country."
A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
Now Little Johnny, why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, "OH GOD, I'M COMING!".
If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"
Moshe Jacobs goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He says “Yes, just caffeine.”
“Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks.
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Bosnia for two tours ."
The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”,
and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
Moshe says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.”
The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don’t worry, we’ll still pay you from 8am.”
Moshe is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’t you want me to be here before 10am?”
“‘This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”