I SAY, I SAY, I SAY

A Woman is in a jewellers admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out, hoping no one noticed she asks “How much is that one?” The jeweller says “Madam, if you farted looking at it, you’ll shit yourself when I tell you the price!”

If a call of nature means having a crap, does that mean farting is a missed call?

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. “How come you’re sweating?” he asks. The parrot replies, “Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?”

Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said “You’re being charged with being good in bed.” 90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

There are 23 useless parts on a man’s body. 20 nails that can’t hammer, 2 balls you can’t throw & 1 cock that can’t crow. But don’t laugh girls cause your pussy can’t catch mice.

My wife has a sea shell tattooed on to her inner thigh... when you put you’re ear on it, you can smell the ocean!

The nurse approaches the old couple, “The doctor would like a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample.” “What did she say?” asks the husband. And his wife answers, “They want your underwear.”

A 10 year old girl asks her mother, “Mommy how was I born?” The mother smiled and replied, “Once upon a time your daddy and me decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom.”

A little five year old girl was usually driven to school in the mornings by her grandad, but one day he had a bad cold so her grandmother took her. That night the little girl told her parents going to school with granny was very different. “What made it different?” asked her parents. “Well,” she replied, “Granny and I didn’t see a single tosser, blind bastard, foreign prick or wanker on the whole journey>”

I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in some dog shit. A minute later, another guy did exactly the same. I  immediately said, “I just did that.” So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

i saw a parked car with a bumper sticker that said, “I miss Alice Spring.”
So I smashed the windows, stole the radio, let down the tyres & left several empty VB cans on the back seat with a note saying, Hope the helps.”

Paddy is going through customs in Dublin airport when he’s asked to identify a bottle in his luggage. “That’s holy water I’ve brought back from the holy land,” says paddy. The customs officer opens it, sniffs it and says, “This smells more like whiskey.”
“Isn’t that fantastic!” says paddy, “Another bloody miracle!”

Man goes to the doctor complaining of an abnormality with his penis - it’s totally blue. “Hmmm,” Says the doctor, “This could be very serious, we’re going to have to amputate your balls. It’s either that or death.” The guy is obviously upset, but he chooses to lose his balls and keep his life. The trouble is that the next week his penis is still blue. “Hmmm,” Says the doctor, “This is worse than I thought. We’ll have to remove the whole penis and replace it with a tube.” The guy is now really distraught but he consents to the operation. The next week he returns to the doctor again - this time the tube is blue. “Hmm,” Says the doctor, “Do you wear blue jeans?”

Breaking News! A pensioner drove his Ford Ute to 100 km on the a back road looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go." The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." The Cop left saying, "Have a good day, Sir."

Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone." The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman. Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says. "And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks. "I have three questions," he says. "First, whatever happened in Benghazi? Second, why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? And, third, whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different boy, little Johnny, puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny," he says.
"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.
"I have five questions," he says. "First, whatever happened in Benghazi? Second, why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? Third, whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem, I have two female parrots. But they only know to say one thing.” “What do they say?” Asked the priest. “They say, Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?” “That's obscene!” The priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. ”You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.” “'Thank you,” The woman responded, “This may very well be the solution.” The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, “Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?” There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, “Put the beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered!”

I SAY! I SAY! I SAY!

ME: You are the funniest and most beautiful woman I have ever met!
GIRL: You just want to fuck me!
ME: WOW! And smart too.

DOGGY STYLE (noun)
A sexual position which allows both participants to watch TV.

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, 
“How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
The doctor winked at me and said,
“I’m off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park.”

When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed...
...My name, my address, my phone number! 

A husband and wife were grocery shopping. He picks up a case of beer.
“What are you doing?” Asks the wife.
“They’re on sale, only $15 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back, we can’t afford them,” demands the wife as they continue shopping.
Later on she puts a $60 jar of face cream in the basket.
“What are you doing?” Asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
But the husband replies, “So do 24 cans of beer and at quarter the price.”
He was later found unconscious in aisle 9.

An 11 year old girl realised that she had started to grow pubic hair in between her legs. Worriedly she goes to her mother. 
Mommy calmly said, “That part is called a monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”
The next morning at breakfast she proudly told her sister, “My monkey as grown hair.”
Her sister and smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mines already eating bananas.”
Her mother fainted!

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.
The Englishman steals 2 buns and puts them into his pockets. 
He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He then asked of another bun and ate it as well.
So the owner asks. “Okay my friend, where is the magic trick?”
The Irishman’s reply was, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

A old woman visits her doctor and tells him she has a terrible discharge.
“OK,” he says, “Take your knickers off, spread your legs and lets check it out”
So she drop her knickers, opens her legs and he has a good feel around.
“How does that feel?” He says.
She replies, “Fucking wonderful but the discharge is from my ear.”

Two girls are talking about their boyfriends
The first girl says, “My new boyfriend has dandruff.”
The second girl says, “You should give him head and shoulders.”
At which the first girl asks, “How do you give shoulders?”

VEGETARIAN
Ancient Tribal name for the Village Idiot who can’t Hunt, Fish, or Light Fires.

HER: Hi, I’m Debbie
HE: Hi, I’m Dave but everyone calls me Dick.
HER: How do you get Dick from Dave?
HE: You ask nicely!

Difficult things to say when drunk
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Cinnamon
Very difficult things to sat when drunk
1. Specificity
2. Passive-disorder
3. Transubstantiation
Things that are down right impossible to say when drunk
1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more for me.
3. I don’t want to see your tits.

A bank robber walks up to one of his hostages and asks,
“Did you see my face?”
The hostage replies, “Yes.”
So the robber takes aim and shoots the man in the head.
He then turns to the next man and asks,
“And did you see my face?”
The hostage replies,
“No but my wife caught a glimpse!”

Women are from Venus and men are from Mars...
...And all the other genders are from Uranus.

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. 
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
“About 32,’ is the reply.”
“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay.....How old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
“I was behind you at McDonalds when you told the counter girl your tue age.”

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.  
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" 
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"  
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." 
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."  
The blonde replies, "I did too;  but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.

Two Aussie builders (Keith & Ken) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
KEN: “I reckon he's an accountant.”
KEITH: “No way - he's a stockbroker.”
KEN: “He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!”
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Ken and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
KEN: “Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?”
SUIT: “No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.”
KEN: “Oh! What's that then?”
SUIT: “I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?”
KEN: “Err.... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!”
SUIT: “Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?”
KEN: “It's in a pond!”
SUIT: “Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.”
KEN: “As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!”
SUIT: “Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
KEN: ”As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!”
SUIT: “Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?”
KEN: “Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.”
SUIT: “Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?”
KEN: “Yep! Five or six nights a week!”
SUIT: “Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?”
KEN: “Me? Never.”
SUIT: “Well there you are! That's logical science at work!”
KEN: “How's that then?”
SUIT: “Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!”
KEN: “I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!”
Both leave the toilet and Ken returns to his mate.
KEITH: “I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?”
KEN: “Yep! He's a logical scientist!”
KEITH: “What's that then?”
KEN: “I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?”
KEITH: “Nope.”
KEN: “Well then, you're a wanker!”