LAUGH OUT LOUD

I SAY, I SAY, I SAY

A Woman is in a jewellers admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out, hoping no one noticed she asks “How much is that one?” The jeweller says “Madam, if you farted looking at it, you’ll shit yourself when I tell you the price!”

If a call of nature means having a crap, does that mean farting is a missed call?

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. “How come you’re sweating?” he asks. The parrot replies, “Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?”

Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said “You’re being charged with being good in bed.” 90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

There are 23 useless parts on a man’s body. 20 nails that can’t hammer, 2 balls you can’t throw & 1 cock that can’t crow. But don’t laugh girls cause your pussy can’t catch mice.

My wife has a sea shell tattooed on to her inner thigh... when you put you’re ear on it, you can smell the ocean!

The nurse approaches the old couple, “The doctor would like a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample.” “What did she say?” asks the husband. And his wife answers, “They want your underwear.”

A 10 year old girl asks her mother, “Mommy how was I born?” The mother smiled and replied, “Once upon a time your daddy and me decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom.”

A little five year old girl was usually driven to school in the mornings by her grandad, but one day he had a bad cold so her grandmother took her. That night the little girl told her parents going to school with granny was very different. “What made it different?” asked her parents. “Well,” she replied, “Granny and I didn’t see a single tosser, blind bastard, foreign prick or wanker on the whole journey>”

I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in some dog shit. A minute later, another guy did exactly the same. I  immediately said, “I just did that.” So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

i saw a parked car with a bumper sticker that said, “I miss Alice Spring.”
So I smashed the windows, stole the radio, let down the tyres & left several empty VB cans on the back seat with a note saying, Hope the helps.”

Paddy is going through customs in Dublin airport when he’s asked to identify a bottle in his luggage. “That’s holy water I’ve brought back from the holy land,” says paddy. The customs officer opens it, sniffs it and says, “This smells more like whiskey.”
“Isn’t that fantastic!” says paddy, “Another bloody miracle!”

Man goes to the doctor complaining of an abnormality with his penis - it’s totally blue. “Hmmm,” Says the doctor, “This could be very serious, we’re going to have to amputate your balls. It’s either that or death.” The guy is obviously upset, but he chooses to lose his balls and keep his life. The trouble is that the next week his penis is still blue. “Hmmm,” Says the doctor, “This is worse than I thought. We’ll have to remove the whole penis and replace it with a tube.” The guy is now really distraught but he consents to the operation. The next week he returns to the doctor again - this time the tube is blue. “Hmm,” Says the doctor, “Do you wear blue jeans?”

Breaking News! A pensioner drove his Ford Ute to 100 km on the a back road looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go." The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." The Cop left saying, "Have a good day, Sir."

Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone." The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman. Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says. "And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks. "I have three questions," he says. "First, whatever happened in Benghazi? Second, why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? And, third, whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different boy, little Johnny, puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny," he says.
"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.
"I have five questions," he says. "First, whatever happened in Benghazi? Second, why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? Third, whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem, I have two female parrots. But they only know to say one thing.” “What do they say?” Asked the priest. “They say, Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?” “That's obscene!” The priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. ”You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.” “'Thank you,” The woman responded, “This may very well be the solution.” The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, “Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?” There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, “Put the beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered!”