I SAY! I SAY! I SAY!
A Jewish businessman in Chicago decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, “Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.”
“Oy, vey,” said the father. “Vot haf I dun?”
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jake said,
“Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do.”
So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi said,
“Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel . He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our
young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do.”
The three of them went up the mountain, prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said,
“Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . .
Parvinder and Habib are street beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3.'
Habib says, 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvinder shows Habib his sign.
It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan.’
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man
and he asks the same question to the woman,
"Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice,
"Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife,
"Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to
answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks,
"Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies,
"Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
"Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks,
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said,
"Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices.
“My good man,” the fairy said, “I've been told by Scott Morrison to grant you three wishes since you've
just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children - all costs to be borne by Australian taxpayers.”
The man told the fairy,
“Well, in Iraq where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.”
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and PING!!! The asylum seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
“What else?” asked the fairy, “Two more wishes to go!”
The asylum seeker claimant now got bolder and said,
“I need a big house with a three-car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms - and a Gold Visa card in each room - for my family. And the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Iraq. I want to bring them all over here. And I want a brand new top of the line BMW.”
PING! In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ and a sparkling swimming pool and a brand new M760i BMW fullof his nephews playing their music.
“One more wish left for you”,
said the fairy, waving her wand.
The asylum seeker claimant really decided to go for broke now and said
“I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl and I want to have white skin like the Australians.”
PING! The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion and expensive car had disappeared from the horizon.
“What happened to my new teeth?” he wailed. “Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card? Where is my BMW?”
The fairy said
“Tough luck, dickhead. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to sweet fuck-all, just like the rest of us.” And she disappeared.
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says,
"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts,
"Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough!!..