I SAY, I SAY, I SAY!
Two Aussies are drinking together. One says, “When I die, will you promise to pour a beer on my grave?” The other replies, “No worries mate, but I’ll have to pass it through my kidneys first.”
Two politicians go out to lunch together. In the middle of lunch one of them jumps up and says, “Bugger. I forgot to lock the office safe before we left.” The other politician replies “No worries. We’re both here.”
Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. “Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best. The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass. The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag. The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!
Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?' 'Shane's wife gave it to me.' Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?' 'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow". She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'
Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night. 'You'll get your chance in court,' the desk Sergeant Kelly told him. 'I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,' pleaded Bruce. 'I've been trying to do that for years.'
A devout Australian cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a kangaroo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the kangaroos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the kangaroo. “Your name is written inside the cover.”