I SAY, I SAY, I SAY!

Two Aussies are drinking together. One says, “When I die, will you promise to pour a beer on my grave?” The other replies, “No worries mate, but I’ll have to pass it through my kidneys first.”

Two politicians go out to lunch together. In the middle of lunch one of them jumps up and says, “Bugger. I forgot to lock the office safe before we left.” The other politician replies “No worries. We’re both here.”

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. “Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best. The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass. The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag. The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga.  Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?' 'Shane's wife gave it to me.' Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?' 'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow". She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night. 'You'll get your chance in court,' the desk Sergeant Kelly told him. 'I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,' pleaded Bruce. 'I've been trying to do that for years.'

A devout Australian cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a kangaroo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the kangaroos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the kangaroo. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

I SAY, I SAY, I SAY!

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man in front stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

A man asks, “God, why did you make a woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

An old woman was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat's remains. As she got on the bus, she whispered to the bus driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common."

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
A: About twenty kilos.

What is a man's ultimate shame? When he runs into a wall with a hard-on and hits his nose first!

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, "Which book helped you most in your life?" The woman replied, "My husband's check book!!"

A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called... 'Husband - the Master of the House?'" Sales girl: "Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!"

Someone asked an old man: "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife - darling, honey, luv. What's the secret?" Old man: "I forgot her name years age and I'm too scared to ask her."

There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
The rest get married and wonder what happened!

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE:
Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion.

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?" The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!"