I SAY, I SAY, I SAY!

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. Looked at her husband and said, “Honey do you remember this?”
He looked up and said, “Yes dear, I do. You wore the same negligee the night we were married."
She said, “That’s right, Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
”He nodded and said, “Yes dear, I do remember.”
"Well, what was it?” she asked, 
He responded, “As I remember, I said, “Oh baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those tits and screw your brains out.”
She giggled and said, “So now it’s 50 years later, and I’m in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?”
Again he looked up at her, and replied, “Mission accomplished.

Two blokes out for walking see a dog laying on the grass licking his balls.One bloke says to the other, “Man! wish I could do that!”
Which his mate replies, “You’d better pet him first.. he looks kinda mean!”

I bought a new deodorant today and the instructions said:
“Remove cap and push up bottom.”
It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.

Two irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realises it’s upside down and throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says. “Why are you throwing them away?”

“Because they’re upside down!” says Paddy.
“You daft twat” replies Murphy, “Save em for the ceiling.”

A woman returns home after having portraits of Bill Shorten and Scott Morrison tattooed on her bum. Quite proud of herself, she told her husband, who asked to see the results She dropped her nickers and bent over... Her husband studied the work and exclaimed, “Wow. That’s damn good work... I can see Bill Shorten on your left cheek, and Scott Morrison on your right cheek... but that one of Derryn Hinch in the middle is so damn lifelike, it’s unbelievable!”

What does a far sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?A wet nose!

A catholic girl goes into confessional and says to the priest, “I’m pregnant.”

The priest asks, “How did this happen, my child?

”She says, “I think it was the second coming.”

The priest, shocked by this reply asks, “What makes you think it is the second coming?

”She replies “Because I swallowed the first.”

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a shit load of hares, one camel toe and a fish nobody can find.

I really felt sorry for the stage hypnotist I saw last night.He hypnotized seven guys, but then dropped his mic on his foot yelling “FUCK ME.”What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

So I’m banging this Asian chick I picked up at the bar and the whole time she’s screaming this other guy’s name...who the hell is this “RON HOLE” guy anyway?

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your female partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”She looks into his eyes and calmly says, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

Reporter: “Excuse me, may I interview you?”
Man: “Yes!”
Reporter: “Name?”
Man: “Abdul Al-Rhazim.”
Reporter: “Sex?”
Man: “Three to five times a week.”
Reporter: “No no! I mean male or female?”
Man: “Yes, male, female... sometimes camel.”
Reporter: “Holy cow!”
Man: “Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general.”
Reporter: “But isn’t that hostile?”
Man: “Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.”
Reporter: “Oh dear!”
Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.”

Why do leprechauns laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls.

Paddy says to Murphy, “Have you seen the news? Three cliff walkers have fallen to their deaths!” “Unbelievable, said Murphy, I can’t believe they all had the same name!”

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?” asked the one.

“Well, not exactly.” His friend replied, “She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”

“Oh, I see, kinky, huh?”

“Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.”

A professor is lecturing a class and says, “Today’s lecture will be about glucose. Glucose is sugar and can be found in lots of stuff. For example, semen, candy, etc.”

A blonde girl responds with, “How come you can’t taste sugar in semen?”

The professor says, “Well, sweety, that’s because you don’t have taste buds in the back of your throat.”

I SAY, I SAY, I SAY!

Two Aussies are drinking together. One says, “When I die, will you promise to pour a beer on my grave?” The other replies, “No worries mate, but I’ll have to pass it through my kidneys first.”

Two politicians go out to lunch together. In the middle of lunch one of them jumps up and says, “Bugger. I forgot to lock the office safe before we left.” The other politician replies “No worries. We’re both here.”

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. “Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best. The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass. The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag. The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga.  Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?' 'Shane's wife gave it to me.' Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?' 'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow". She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night. 'You'll get your chance in court,' the desk Sergeant Kelly told him. 'I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,' pleaded Bruce. 'I've been trying to do that for years.'

A devout Australian cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a kangaroo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the kangaroos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the kangaroo. “Your name is written inside the cover.”